World Cup 2014 Brazil - Wake me when it is over

The World Cup of Footie begins in just a few days in Brazil. Get your tv ready for this by blocking any channel that may show anything related to this monstrosity so you don't accidentally stumble upon a game and have the batteries die on your remote and you are subjected to any part of a match.

Right off the top lets ask the question of why is it known as The Beautiful Game? What is beautiful about this game? Aside from some of the fans and/or cheerleaders I can't say as I see it.

Thursday, June 12 the home team opens the tournament in a match versus Croatia. Lets not kid ourselves, there are a lot of people in North America and abroad that are jacked up for this tournament. I have no idea why but for whatever reason, reasonably smart people lose their mind and start to invest an interest in this event. This is without a doubt one of the most corrupt sports in the world, next to cycling and the Superbowl of that sport the Tour de France.
I don't know what would be worse, having to endure watching this tournament or having to listen to the Vuvuzela's that became quasi famous in South Africa last World Cup and thankfully banned at the tournament this year.

Please people, do not become that person who thinks this is the be all and end all and start to adopt footie language over the next month. Do everyone a favour and don't start breaking out the soccer speak like you are a British announcer. Nobody wants to hear that a team is getting ready to enter 'the pitch' for 'a match' and they need 'a result'. The game ends zero-zero, not nil-nil. Extra time vs injury time. Earning a Cap, Holding it (for stoppage time) are other terms that can be added to this list as well. The whole thing is just redickulous, don't become soccer guy or gal. Also don't give into the desire to indulge in orange slices as a snack at half time. Above all else remember it is Soccer not Fùtbol.

Just because you happened to fly over Italy or Spain or went to France one time does not make it OK to run out and get car flags of those country's car flags and adopt them as 'your team'. Just be thankful that the Canadian Men's National team is so bad that they did not qualify and that you don't have to be conflicted about having to support them just because they are representing Canada at this event.

The next biggest issue is that we are getting close to summer and that is when a lot of movie blockbusters are set to hit theaters and yet they will all pale in comparison to the acting that will be going on during this event known as the World Cup. Players, will be hitting the turf, flopping to the ground like they have been assaulted with violent blows like a scene from Saving Private Ryan or 300. Flipping and doing somersaults in the air to sell the fact that an opponent has come withing 2 feet of them and they have been violently assaulted should not be an accepted part of this game. The art of the fake soccer injury is as important  to learn as that of any other skill, trick or move involved in the sport. The game has tried to clean up the image of it being know as that of a game of fakers and embellishers, lets see just how successful they have been.

The only good that can come from this World Cup of Soccer thing is the chance to get some nice new beer glasses. Kelsey's will hook you up with a nice Budweiser glass with the purchase of a pint. The only problem is you have to sell your soul to get one as they are only available during soccer games. So likely you will be subjected to some footie to cash in on this. It is of personal discretion on if you can stand that or willing to subject yourself to that kind of cruel and unusual punishment.

For a better perspective on this what better resource is there then The Simpsons.

World Cup? I'll Pass...Since That Is All They Do Anyway

All signs are pointing to this being the end. Yes it has in fact been 4 years already and unfortunately that means that the World Cup of Soccer is now at hand, silly FIFA. Now there is some saving grace that the games are during the morning hours so I shouldn’t accidental trip over a broadcast but that doesn’t save me from the ‘highlights’ on shows like SportsCenter. Even the local sports radio station, the Team 1200 is bending over for this event. Not only are they bringing in the Team 990 soccer guy in the mornings, Noel Butler (who’s show by the way is called Oranges at Halftime..brutal), They are having a former employee call in the afternoon show to talk footy, they are picking up the ESPN soccer wrap up show in the evenings as well. Then there is the regular ‘new’ show called ‘Corner Kicks’ on Thursdays. This is just not cool. You can hardly get baseball coverage on the ‘all sports format’ but your airways are polluted with this garbage, where is the justice.

The only thing worse then watching soccer is listening to people talk about soccer. I understand the interests as it related to kids, it is inexpensive and is good exercise TO PLAY. To follow as a competition, no thanks. Even to gamble on it is not fun, half the time the games look not to be on the up and up and with the probability of a nil-nil draw on the pitch so high one never sees the offensive explosion of a 2-1 game happening, those bastards come out of nowhere!


Here is the soccer breakdown for this month long margarine known as the World Cup in 3...2...1

‘Blake kicks the ball with high hopes that it will enter the goal, but it does not.’

I know we promised you soccer highlights, so let me just tell you that England beat USA one-nothing, Ivory Coast beat South Africa one-nothing, Uruguay beat South Korea one-nothing, and Italy beat Brazil 2-1 in an offensive slug fest. A modest proposal - make the nets bigger.

A tip of the cap to the character Dan Rydell for the inspiration and partial quotes as it relates to soccer.

Remember here at abitofeverythingsports.blogspot.com I’ll bring you the thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat, and because we’ve got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie.