World Cup 2014 Brazil - Wake me when it is over

The World Cup of Footie begins in just a few days in Brazil. Get your tv ready for this by blocking any channel that may show anything related to this monstrosity so you don't accidentally stumble upon a game and have the batteries die on your remote and you are subjected to any part of a match.

Right off the top lets ask the question of why is it known as The Beautiful Game? What is beautiful about this game? Aside from some of the fans and/or cheerleaders I can't say as I see it.

Thursday, June 12 the home team opens the tournament in a match versus Croatia. Lets not kid ourselves, there are a lot of people in North America and abroad that are jacked up for this tournament. I have no idea why but for whatever reason, reasonably smart people lose their mind and start to invest an interest in this event. This is without a doubt one of the most corrupt sports in the world, next to cycling and the Superbowl of that sport the Tour de France.
I don't know what would be worse, having to endure watching this tournament or having to listen to the Vuvuzela's that became quasi famous in South Africa last World Cup and thankfully banned at the tournament this year.

Please people, do not become that person who thinks this is the be all and end all and start to adopt footie language over the next month. Do everyone a favour and don't start breaking out the soccer speak like you are a British announcer. Nobody wants to hear that a team is getting ready to enter 'the pitch' for 'a match' and they need 'a result'. The game ends zero-zero, not nil-nil. Extra time vs injury time. Earning a Cap, Holding it (for stoppage time) are other terms that can be added to this list as well. The whole thing is just redickulous, don't become soccer guy or gal. Also don't give into the desire to indulge in orange slices as a snack at half time. Above all else remember it is Soccer not Fùtbol.

Just because you happened to fly over Italy or Spain or went to France one time does not make it OK to run out and get car flags of those country's car flags and adopt them as 'your team'. Just be thankful that the Canadian Men's National team is so bad that they did not qualify and that you don't have to be conflicted about having to support them just because they are representing Canada at this event.

The next biggest issue is that we are getting close to summer and that is when a lot of movie blockbusters are set to hit theaters and yet they will all pale in comparison to the acting that will be going on during this event known as the World Cup. Players, will be hitting the turf, flopping to the ground like they have been assaulted with violent blows like a scene from Saving Private Ryan or 300. Flipping and doing somersaults in the air to sell the fact that an opponent has come withing 2 feet of them and they have been violently assaulted should not be an accepted part of this game. The art of the fake soccer injury is as important  to learn as that of any other skill, trick or move involved in the sport. The game has tried to clean up the image of it being know as that of a game of fakers and embellishers, lets see just how successful they have been.

The only good that can come from this World Cup of Soccer thing is the chance to get some nice new beer glasses. Kelsey's will hook you up with a nice Budweiser glass with the purchase of a pint. The only problem is you have to sell your soul to get one as they are only available during soccer games. So likely you will be subjected to some footie to cash in on this. It is of personal discretion on if you can stand that or willing to subject yourself to that kind of cruel and unusual punishment.

For a better perspective on this what better resource is there then The Simpsons.

Bad Impact

Due to circumstances beyond my control I was unable to watch the beginning of the Boston-Philadelphia game 6 match up so when I was able to get to the car to look for an update on the local Sports Radio station, Team 1200 they had Network programming on from the US. Usually I like the variety that the out of market shows give because you can only hear about hockey so much that It begins to get annoying. There are other sports that need to be mentioned from time to time.

This time all I wanted was a quick update and that was clearly not going to happen on the US show so I ventured back down the dial to the TEAM 990 out of Montreal and I heard what I have determined to be the WORST sporting event coverage that I have ever heard...no it wasn’t a Habs radio call in show which will usually make your ears bleed by two faced wishy washy Canadians bandwagon jumping fan. No, this was a live" athletic event" (notice I did not say sporting event?). There was Soccer being called on the radio, Soccer. This was a all new low. All I could think of was Kent Brockman from The Simpsons doing play by play for a Soccer game "Half back passes to the center, back to the wing, back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it..." Not a sport for radio. Needless to say I got no update there.

I don’t care if the Montreal Impact are to be the next MLS Team or not. Watching soccer is only surpassed in boaringness with listening to soccer.

Speaking of Soccer Montreal Canadian Fans should leave the soccer chants where it belongs, on the pitch. Ole, Ole, Ole is the most aggravating chant in the history of chants. It makes Pepsi’s forced Team Canada Chant " Eh, Oh Canada Go" seem like Stairway to Heaven. Maybe if the fans knew when to use it, it would be better, but probably not.

I noticed that there were also a few people out on the Streets of Montreal last night and again the Simpsons show us the way.... "What began as a traditional soccer riot, has escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction". You gotta love the bandwagon jumpers.

The Winds of Change - Obama is President Ellect

On the day following the historic US Election I must deviate from sports for a moment and comment on this topic.

While watching both Sen. McCain and President Elect Obama’s speeches there were a few things I noticed and first and foremost was the almost exact same visual from Season 6 of the Simpsons in the episode titled Sideshow Bob Roberts. If you saw the 2 official headquarter parties where the speeches were delivered you’ll know what I mean, the only difference was the party alliances. Bob is Republican, Mayor Quimby a Democrat. McCain had an invite only party at a hotel. It was quiet and small, almost looked like they were expecting defeat (Not unlike Mayor Quimby). Obama had nearly 1 million people at Grant Park in a lavish open air nearly concert style event (just like Sideshow Bob’s Mayoral victory speech).

Both men handled themselves well and conducted their speeches appropriately. McCain was gracious in defeat and despite a bitter campaign did a good job to support the president elect going forward as an American. Also, not letting Palin speak was probably also a good call for all involved.
Obama didn’t go all Raw! Raw! Raw! He was thankful but serious, he was very even keel and matter of fact, showing that he is prepared for the uphill battle that is in front of him based on the mess that he is inheriting.
I would like to know just how much security was positioned around Grant Park last night.
It will be interesting to see how this all shakes out and in what direction things go.

Other things I learned:
• Networks will call a state with 0% of polls reporting.... must be some kind of new math
• You can do just about anything with a green screen and graphics.
• Even a college degree isn’t enough to comprehend the process of the Electoral College
• They can call an election and presidential winner by 11pm but can’t have a World Series game end before 1am
• Michelle Obama’s dress looked like it was something hit by and SUV and was probably the one gaf of the evening.
• Brian Williams and Tom Brokaw did the best job in coverage. Williams looks like he is at the top of the anchor heap now and may even be getting to the level of the big 3 (Jennings, Brokaw, Rather) that proceeded him.

MLS in Ottawa? Noooooooooooooo!

Tuesday looks to be a sad day for Ottawa Sports. Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk will officially announce his bid for a Major League Soccer franchise at a press conference. The first time Mr. Melnyk came onto the Ottawa scene he came in on a white horse and saved the Ottawa Senators from bankruptcy. Sure it was probably a decent investment for him but he also got a great deal...buy low right? In any event he was a hero.The Sens have enjoyed much success in his time as the owner, perhaps not the ultimate success in terms of the Stanley Cup but great consistency. Well that good will that he earned has dried up in my mind with this new news. Melnyk, who has revealed plans to build a "world-class" stadium in Ottawa, had previously stated his intention to go after a franchise, which will cost at least $40 million US. Sure this is a very big long shot right now and won’t be an issue for some time and many years now, as there are many cites that are sure to be well ahead of Ottawa (including Canadian Cities Vancouver and Montreal) but just the prospect of a dirty soccer team coming to town pains me. It isn’t the money, the stadium issue or the Soccer team itself (although I have made it very clear that I have little or no use for soccer at any level, at any time), it would be the “fans”. That is all we need is some wannabe wanker posers thinking they are in Liverpool or something trying to emulate what garbage they see on Saturday mornings on Sportsnet. Heads up on hoodlums in the streets, urine bombs from the top level, projectiles thrown about flair's shot from the stands and just all around unruly behavior in the stands.Then of course part 2 of the negatives that would come with an MLS team...the soccer itself. There would be chaos..there would be the oranges shortage that would come due to the halftime snacks, stretchers would become in high demand as they would be used for all the embellished injuries each game and who knows what else. You want to see soccer become a Toronto FC fan and go to Toronto to see a game.

And here are some examples from where no one can dispute...
The Simpsons:

Announcer: This match will decide which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!

TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Mexican Announcer: Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds It!

Just Say No to the MLS, we are all better off without it.