World Cup 2014 Brazil - Wake me when it is over

The World Cup of Footie begins in just a few days in Brazil. Get your tv ready for this by blocking any channel that may show anything related to this monstrosity so you don't accidentally stumble upon a game and have the batteries die on your remote and you are subjected to any part of a match.

Right off the top lets ask the question of why is it known as The Beautiful Game? What is beautiful about this game? Aside from some of the fans and/or cheerleaders I can't say as I see it.

Thursday, June 12 the home team opens the tournament in a match versus Croatia. Lets not kid ourselves, there are a lot of people in North America and abroad that are jacked up for this tournament. I have no idea why but for whatever reason, reasonably smart people lose their mind and start to invest an interest in this event. This is without a doubt one of the most corrupt sports in the world, next to cycling and the Superbowl of that sport the Tour de France.
I don't know what would be worse, having to endure watching this tournament or having to listen to the Vuvuzela's that became quasi famous in South Africa last World Cup and thankfully banned at the tournament this year.

Please people, do not become that person who thinks this is the be all and end all and start to adopt footie language over the next month. Do everyone a favour and don't start breaking out the soccer speak like you are a British announcer. Nobody wants to hear that a team is getting ready to enter 'the pitch' for 'a match' and they need 'a result'. The game ends zero-zero, not nil-nil. Extra time vs injury time. Earning a Cap, Holding it (for stoppage time) are other terms that can be added to this list as well. The whole thing is just redickulous, don't become soccer guy or gal. Also don't give into the desire to indulge in orange slices as a snack at half time. Above all else remember it is Soccer not Fùtbol.

Just because you happened to fly over Italy or Spain or went to France one time does not make it OK to run out and get car flags of those country's car flags and adopt them as 'your team'. Just be thankful that the Canadian Men's National team is so bad that they did not qualify and that you don't have to be conflicted about having to support them just because they are representing Canada at this event.

The next biggest issue is that we are getting close to summer and that is when a lot of movie blockbusters are set to hit theaters and yet they will all pale in comparison to the acting that will be going on during this event known as the World Cup. Players, will be hitting the turf, flopping to the ground like they have been assaulted with violent blows like a scene from Saving Private Ryan or 300. Flipping and doing somersaults in the air to sell the fact that an opponent has come withing 2 feet of them and they have been violently assaulted should not be an accepted part of this game. The art of the fake soccer injury is as important  to learn as that of any other skill, trick or move involved in the sport. The game has tried to clean up the image of it being know as that of a game of fakers and embellishers, lets see just how successful they have been.

The only good that can come from this World Cup of Soccer thing is the chance to get some nice new beer glasses. Kelsey's will hook you up with a nice Budweiser glass with the purchase of a pint. The only problem is you have to sell your soul to get one as they are only available during soccer games. So likely you will be subjected to some footie to cash in on this. It is of personal discretion on if you can stand that or willing to subject yourself to that kind of cruel and unusual punishment.

For a better perspective on this what better resource is there then The Simpsons.

World Cup? I'll Pass...Since That Is All They Do Anyway

All signs are pointing to this being the end. Yes it has in fact been 4 years already and unfortunately that means that the World Cup of Soccer is now at hand, silly FIFA. Now there is some saving grace that the games are during the morning hours so I shouldn’t accidental trip over a broadcast but that doesn’t save me from the ‘highlights’ on shows like SportsCenter. Even the local sports radio station, the Team 1200 is bending over for this event. Not only are they bringing in the Team 990 soccer guy in the mornings, Noel Butler (who’s show by the way is called Oranges at Halftime..brutal), They are having a former employee call in the afternoon show to talk footy, they are picking up the ESPN soccer wrap up show in the evenings as well. Then there is the regular ‘new’ show called ‘Corner Kicks’ on Thursdays. This is just not cool. You can hardly get baseball coverage on the ‘all sports format’ but your airways are polluted with this garbage, where is the justice.

The only thing worse then watching soccer is listening to people talk about soccer. I understand the interests as it related to kids, it is inexpensive and is good exercise TO PLAY. To follow as a competition, no thanks. Even to gamble on it is not fun, half the time the games look not to be on the up and up and with the probability of a nil-nil draw on the pitch so high one never sees the offensive explosion of a 2-1 game happening, those bastards come out of nowhere!


Here is the soccer breakdown for this month long margarine known as the World Cup in 3...2...1

‘Blake kicks the ball with high hopes that it will enter the goal, but it does not.’

I know we promised you soccer highlights, so let me just tell you that England beat USA one-nothing, Ivory Coast beat South Africa one-nothing, Uruguay beat South Korea one-nothing, and Italy beat Brazil 2-1 in an offensive slug fest. A modest proposal - make the nets bigger.

A tip of the cap to the character Dan Rydell for the inspiration and partial quotes as it relates to soccer.

Remember here at abitofeverythingsports.blogspot.com I’ll bring you the thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat, and because we’ve got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie.

Bad Impact

Due to circumstances beyond my control I was unable to watch the beginning of the Boston-Philadelphia game 6 match up so when I was able to get to the car to look for an update on the local Sports Radio station, Team 1200 they had Network programming on from the US. Usually I like the variety that the out of market shows give because you can only hear about hockey so much that It begins to get annoying. There are other sports that need to be mentioned from time to time.

This time all I wanted was a quick update and that was clearly not going to happen on the US show so I ventured back down the dial to the TEAM 990 out of Montreal and I heard what I have determined to be the WORST sporting event coverage that I have ever heard...no it wasn’t a Habs radio call in show which will usually make your ears bleed by two faced wishy washy Canadians bandwagon jumping fan. No, this was a live" athletic event" (notice I did not say sporting event?). There was Soccer being called on the radio, Soccer. This was a all new low. All I could think of was Kent Brockman from The Simpsons doing play by play for a Soccer game "Half back passes to the center, back to the wing, back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it..." Not a sport for radio. Needless to say I got no update there.

I don’t care if the Montreal Impact are to be the next MLS Team or not. Watching soccer is only surpassed in boaringness with listening to soccer.

Speaking of Soccer Montreal Canadian Fans should leave the soccer chants where it belongs, on the pitch. Ole, Ole, Ole is the most aggravating chant in the history of chants. It makes Pepsi’s forced Team Canada Chant " Eh, Oh Canada Go" seem like Stairway to Heaven. Maybe if the fans knew when to use it, it would be better, but probably not.

I noticed that there were also a few people out on the Streets of Montreal last night and again the Simpsons show us the way.... "What began as a traditional soccer riot, has escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction". You gotta love the bandwagon jumpers.

Quick Hits

After a big win in the Big House my Michigan Wolverines have made it back to the cover of SI (look real close, top right corner). After a year of dread they are bag in the top 25...Sure it will likely only last a week or two but after the last couple years a 2 week rise to the top is worth celebrating. Wow, what a sad state of affairs when a 1" pic on the cover of SI is monumental.

John Tavares made his debut with the Islanders last night and was left off the scoreboard. I have heard more then one of the so called sports people say he disappointed by not scoring. Good lord people settle down. He's 18 in his first game action and it is only pre-season. I know that he comes in with high hopes but lets be realistic about what he is going to do and how quick he is going to come along. It took Steve Stamkos half a season to get his stride and Bobby Ryan (second pick after Sidney Crosby) played his final year in the OHL and then time in the AHL before he started lighting it up with the Ducks.

In soccer news, guys ran around, balls were passed back and forth and a bunch of players fell down in what appeared to be in immense pain - only to be back playing minutes later. In one game there was even a few shots taken and a couple actually went in....crazy all the action.

Kerri Walsh recently made a call to her Olympic partner Misty May-Treanor and the two have decided to pair up in the Ryder Cup style beach volleyball match. Though Misty may not be at 100% it will still great to see the two of them playing side by side again.

The sooner baseball can get to the playoffs the better. When we can get to a time where all the games count and every pitch is more important then the last the more exciting things will be. When you are at the end of September the majority of the games are basically garbage time...Time to bring on the playoffs!!

Around The Horn

I don’t know if I should be more impressed with the news that LA Kings Centre Jarret Stoll as reportedly broken off his wedding to Rachel Hunter or the fact that he did it by email. Not knowing the inter workings of the relationship you have to figure that Stoll either has something even better on the horizon but to drop a bomb like that by email is a ballsy move. The only saving grace is that he didn’t do it by Twitter.

The United States made soccer history when they stunned the No. 1 ranked team in the world making the finals of the Confederations Cup with a victory over the Spain. Maybe it is the "Miracle on Grass" maybe not, If this is what it takes for the US to care about soccer then this victory greatly upsets me. I have little or no respect for anything that may, in any way promote this game. I know that America is very patriotic about anything that makes them feel big and mighty but they need to just forget about this one for the greater good....soccer sucks.
Shaquille O’Neal is headed to the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Big ‘Shaq-tus’ is headed from Phoenix to Cleveland to be a big man that LeBron can work with in his quest to win a championship. Does he have anything left? Good question, but it is interesting to see how many more big deals will be made before or during tonight's draft.

Wimbledon is in full force and Roger Federer is looking to surpass Pete Samprass at the All England Club. In sad news Russian Maria Sharapova was ousted early. Watching her match, the talk of curbing the level and volume of grunting clearly hasn’t filtered down to the players (Maria managed to turn up the volume to a staggering 101db during her first-round). I figure that a little yelling and grunting on shots isn’t too bad. However it should be outlawed on the men’s side.
Lance Armstrong’s bike was stolen some time ago and just recently the verdict came down for the punishment for this crime. 40-year-old Lee Crider is to be sentenced to three years in prison for burglary and theft.---Dante Stallworth hit and killed a pedestrian while being intoxicated...he got sentenced to 30 DAYS in jail, Mike Vick is already out of the pen for his involvement in the dog fighting ring. That is some even justice system.

Around The Horn

Helio Castroneves won the Indianapolis 500 and was able to take a drink of that delicious victory milk. This was the 3rd time he has won the historic race.
This was a great win for Castroneves, just the fact that he was available to participate after avoiding a possible 6 year jail term for tax evasion only a week or so before and survived a stint on Dancing with the Stars (which he won). Just goes to show that a good team and a fast car can beat the field and the IRS.

Whoever green-lighted the new Fox show Michael Strahan’s "Brothers" must be out on a limb, or should be on a ledge. It will be very interesting to see how this show will go but it has the potential to be a train wreck. Strahan is not your typical actor type, sure it has Darryl "Chill" Mitchell but that can’t be enough to hold this show together I wouldn’t think.
Maybe they should have waited until next year and they could have cast Strahan with Prime Time wannabe actor/dancer and occasional DE Jason Taylor, you know, after he bows out of the NFL after his recent return to Miami.

Michael Vick has been released from jail and since there was no beds in the halfway house he was placed in basically house arrest where he will be monitored.
Now the rumors can begin on if there is a team that will take a chance on him to resume his position in the NFL. We can only presume that he was already asked to assume the position at some point over the last few years in the Big House (and we aren’t talking about the Big House in Michigan).

I was saddened to see that there was soccer on my TV for a brief few seconds. I thought with the Setanta Network that I don’t have access to I could avoid it, guess not. People say that soccer is the most popular game in the world... My response to that is if it is in fact true then they don’t need me to watch it or have any interest in it.

Miami Dolphins defensive end Randy Starks has been charged with using his truck to hit a police officer.
I can’t see Bill Parcells being too happy with that behavior. Does Starks think he is a Cincinnati Bengal or something, is he wrangling for a trade perhaps? Lets hope that the rest of the ‘Fins can keep it on the straight and narrow.

Jose Canseco looking for an MMA career I guess (but more likley he needs more money). Canseco is set to fight seven-foot-two 330-pound super heavyweight Hong Man Choi of South Korea on the Dream 9 card Tuesday in Japan.
This is one of the reasons that I can’t get behind any MMA or UFC stuff. It is like WWE wrestling without the entertainment or showmanship. Canseco has already boxed Danny Bonaduce, from the Partridge Family to a draw. If that is the best you can do to Danny it may be fun to see versus a 330 pound dude.

No-mar baseball for Garciaparra

Mr. Mia Hamm- Ramon (call me Nomar) Garciaparra went down...again with an injury. Quick someone call Ripley's because they arn't going to believe it. It seems that every time you turn around this once decent and relatively solid player is dinged up and missing time. I never got the allure of Ramon even when he was having somewhat productive years in Boston how people thought he was as good as they did. I am glad that GM Theo Epstine dropped him when he did, goes to show that he is a top rate GM. I too thought he was over rated then and even more so now and yet teams keep throwing money at him. To me he is just an average player who's OCD type behaviour at the plate is just difficult to watch, with the feet and the gloves and, well, the whole production. When watching the highlights from the game I thought I was watching soccer (I guess being married to the best female soccer player that the US you pick up the same traits) when the announcer said something like... And Garciaparra goes down like he was shot!
Not the first time someone has said that about Ramon and it probably won't be the last.

MLS in Ottawa? Noooooooooooooo!

Tuesday looks to be a sad day for Ottawa Sports. Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk will officially announce his bid for a Major League Soccer franchise at a press conference. The first time Mr. Melnyk came onto the Ottawa scene he came in on a white horse and saved the Ottawa Senators from bankruptcy. Sure it was probably a decent investment for him but he also got a great deal...buy low right? In any event he was a hero.The Sens have enjoyed much success in his time as the owner, perhaps not the ultimate success in terms of the Stanley Cup but great consistency. Well that good will that he earned has dried up in my mind with this new news. Melnyk, who has revealed plans to build a "world-class" stadium in Ottawa, had previously stated his intention to go after a franchise, which will cost at least $40 million US. Sure this is a very big long shot right now and won’t be an issue for some time and many years now, as there are many cites that are sure to be well ahead of Ottawa (including Canadian Cities Vancouver and Montreal) but just the prospect of a dirty soccer team coming to town pains me. It isn’t the money, the stadium issue or the Soccer team itself (although I have made it very clear that I have little or no use for soccer at any level, at any time), it would be the “fans”. That is all we need is some wannabe wanker posers thinking they are in Liverpool or something trying to emulate what garbage they see on Saturday mornings on Sportsnet. Heads up on hoodlums in the streets, urine bombs from the top level, projectiles thrown about flair's shot from the stands and just all around unruly behavior in the stands.Then of course part 2 of the negatives that would come with an MLS team...the soccer itself. There would be chaos..there would be the oranges shortage that would come due to the halftime snacks, stretchers would become in high demand as they would be used for all the embellished injuries each game and who knows what else. You want to see soccer become a Toronto FC fan and go to Toronto to see a game.

And here are some examples from where no one can dispute...
The Simpsons:

Announcer: This match will decide which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!

TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Mexican Announcer: Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds It!

Just Say No to the MLS, we are all better off without it.